


New York

by thenewestattraction (richeyinbloom)



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 04:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10654893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/richeyinbloom/pseuds/thenewestattraction
Summary: The city's song knows what Brendon feels, and it knows what he's done. Who he's spending his nights with.The story of two terrible people who just can't quit each other.





	New York

**Author's Note:**

> This has cheating in it, but I hope I've made clear I in no way support the cheating that takes place. This story is about two bad people who can never quit each other, please take note that I'm not romanticising cheating.

Brendon should never of gone.

He should've never let himself arrive at Ryan’s house after Ryan casually mentioned that he was always welcome, since Sarah was visiting friends in a different state, and that really, Ryan wouldn’t mind the company. It was a stupid idea and Brendon knew that nothing good would ever come of it.

Yet there he stood, knocking on Ryan’s door. He was truly an idiot for believing that it was innocent, he had realised on the ride over. It was Ryan, of course it would never be innocent with him. He never had good intentions when it came to Brendon. That was maybe a bit of a lie.

Ryan did have good intentions a lot of the time, but they were always fucked up in a way. He’d slept with Ryan three times while he was engaged to Sarah, but never after they married. Brendon had called it off by then. He knew that it was wrong in the first place, and he felt so guilty for it.

He blamed Ryan for the most part, it was easier that way. That way he could pass his guilt onto Ryan instead of having to face it himself, cheating on his now wife. Ryan had rolled his eyes when Brendon called it off, maybe he saw it coming, but Ryan just said, “Whatever. You can’t pretend it was a one time thing, though, when she finds out.”

Brendon had fucking hated his use of the word, ‘when.’ It wasn’t appropriate because there was no way he’d let Sarah find out about the few times he’d slept with Ryan behind her back. He felt bad because it wasn’t to protect her, but instead to protect himself. He was selfish, he really was.

He was back though, and Ryan was civil towards him in the few times they’d met since. Ryan never brought up their thing, or whatever it was, and Brendon was fine with that. He didn’t want reminders that he let another man fuck him while he was, again, engaged to Sarah. It was wrong in every way possible.

They’d only met now through coincidences, now, though. Through forced communication at things they’d both been invited to and attempting to become friends. Ryan was better than Brendon, he’d always found things easier to get over after a little while, he never really clung to the past. 

There was always a possibility that Ryan did have innocent intentions, the possibility that he’d changed now, that he’d gotten over everything and was putting the past behind them. He might be ready to but Brendon wasn’t. Why should he move on from it all when he can just ignore it happened?

He wasn’t even ready to take the blame, let alone treat Ryan as if he were just an old friend. They both knew he wasn’t just an old friend.

It was such a stupid idea to have came here, and even if he had already knocked on the door he could leave right now, Ryan wouldn’t know, Ryan wouldn’t care, as long as he got out of here quick. He didn’t want to see Ryan, at least he thought he didn’t, he thought just seeing his face would bring up bad memories and he had to leave and-

His thoughts were cut short as the door opened.

It was definitely Ryan, hair damp, probably from a shower, and that was bad because Brendon didn’t want to think about Ryan in the shower. He looked good, and any hope that he wouldn’t be attracted to Ryan any more is gone because, yeah, no, he’s probably not going to last an hour before he either left or got Ryan to fuck him, he would prefer the former over the latter.

However, Ryan just smiled at him, as if he were a friend. This knowing grin, that didn’t make Brendon uneasy like it probably should have, instead it just welcomed him in. A way of saying he was allowed into Ryan’s home, even if he didn’t trust himself in there. He didn’t trust himself to get so close to Ryan.

In all honesty, Brendon knew he was fucked the moment he smiled back and stepped in after Ryan invited him in.

It wasn’t as if he’d never seen Ryan’s house before, far from it. But now, it seemed so different. Last time he was here they’d fucked on the couch and Brendon had his crisis, leaving Ryan who just raised an eyebrow and smoked through it, as if he didn’t care. It wasn’t true that he didn’t matter, he did matter.

Ryan closed the door behind him, “Hey, you want something to drink?” He asked, and Brendon felt weird about how casual it all was. This wasn’t how he pictured things in his head, he noted as he glanced around the room, avoiding Ryan’s eyes.

“Uh, yeah.” He eventually had to look at Ryan, and he had to speak, “Beer?” Ryan nodded at that, and disappeared off to the kitchen. This was really nothing Brendon had seen coming. He’d seen fucking, and maybe yelling, mostly on Brendon’s part, agreeing to never speak again.

This was unfamiliar. 

Ryan came back a few minutes later, handing Brendon a beer and gesturing for him to sit down, and Brendon did so, but still tried to work out what was happening. Surely Ryan hadn’t just invited him for the sake of it, it was Ryan Ross, he never did that. He always had an ulterior motive, of sorts.

The idea crossed his mind again, that Ryan could have possibly changed, but Ryan had never changed. Not before they originally broke up, and not after. He’d never been any different other than his appearance, always changing when they saw each other. Always as attractive as ever, though. 

He wished he didn’t think about Ryan in that light anymore, he wished Ryan had grown older and more unattractive since their last encounter, well at least sexual encounter, but he hadn’t. Brendon had hated himself and Ryan because even when he decided to leave, even when Ryan didn’t care, he still looked gorgeous. Ryan wasn’t allowed to do that.  
Brendon offered Ryan a quick smile, hoping it hid his thoughts, “Sorry for coming over so suddenly.” Of course one of the first things he did was apologise. He didn’t have to apologise, he shouldn’t have to apologise.

Ryan just shook his head, smiling easily, how was this easy for him? “Don’t be, you saved me a night on my own.”

“Oh.” Brendon simply said, “Well, it’s nice to see you.” He looked Ryan up and down again, “You look good.” He almost instantly regretted saying it, noticing something spark in Ryan’s eyes after he did. Brendon didn’t know what he felt when he noticed, nervousness? Excitement? Fear? Whatever it was, he’d much rather ignore it.

Ryan’s smile changed, but only slightly, glancing over Brendon, “Thanks.” His voice was still calm, but knowing, “You too.”

Brendon knew he was probably right. It would be only a matter of time before he was back in Ryan’s bed, or out of his house entirely. He didn’t trust himself here and that was so completely shit because his wife trusted him, and he trusted his wife, but here he was, untrusting of himself in an ex’s home. Why did he even come?

He was too trusting of Ryan too, who at this point was completely unreadable, so he tried to keep conversation, “So, what’ve you been up to lately?” Since they broke up, and Brendon stormed out of his home into the busy New York streets, pissed off and practically on the verge of tears. A fond memory.

Ryan shrugged, and just said he was doing fine, “How about you? Thought it was just rumours you’d finally settled, that you actually ended up getting married.” Brendon didn’t get what was confusing about it, Sarah loved him and he loved her. Just because he’d been with Ryan a few times while engaged doesn’t change that.

Brendon shrugged, taking a sip of his drink, “She brings out the best in me. And I love her.” Ryan might of raised an eyebrow, but if he did, Brendon hadn’t noticed. He also didn’t know if he was trying to make Ryan jealous or something, like, that could've been him, but he was going with it.

“No one really saw it coming. Your other relationships were less than spectacular.” Ryan noted, and Brendon tried to ignore the fact that Ryan technically counted as one of his past relations.

Brendon just shrugged again, “Maybe. I guess I’m lucky they did, since I ended up with her.” He was probably trying to take a jab at Ryan here. Ryan didn’t seem to notice, though, simply smiling in return.

“Still, you had a few,” Brendon knew what was coming, the reminder, “Complications when you were engaged. Does she know about them, now?” 

“Uh,” Brendon didn’t know how to reply there, of course she didn’t know, he’d done everything to make sure she didn’t, “We were happy then. No problems, really.” 

Ryan rolled his eyes, “Don’t bullshit me. I was involved, does she know or not?” There it was, Ryan’s intentions. To know more about what happened between them and how it affects him now.

“She doesn’t know. It’s for the best though, I loved her and just made a few mistakes.” He knew he was saying Ryan was a mistake here, and really, he kind of was. Maybe in Brendon’s mind now, his perception of Ryan really had changed since everything happened. 

“You made the same mistake a few too many times.” He replied, and Brendon wanted to punch him, or kiss him. Either way, it wouldn’t end well. That’s when Ryan spoke again, “Besides, it’s not as if you fully regret everything. You can’t deny that it was fun. And convenient for you.”

Brendon glared at him, “How was it convenient?” 

“Well, considering you like to get fucked, and she doesn’t have a dick. It was convenient, when it comes to fucking.” He was wearing an almost smirk and why, just why couldn’t they be civil? It simply wasn’t fair.

“Yeah, well, even if I liked that then, things change.” Brendon told him, refusing to accept that maybe it was convenient at the time. His wife didn’t deserve this though, she was too good for Ryan to speak of in a sexual context.

“I guess they do. I mean, if you don’t do something in a while, you usually forget why you enjoyed it.” Ryan’s tone was still easy, casual, like this was planned, maybe it was, “It’s like a drug, though. You somehow end up coming back after you’ve promised yourself you won’t.” There was a seductive look in his eye that Brendon was unsure of.

“Not always.” Ryan, again, raised his eyebrow. Brendon was regretting the fact that he came because he would always come back to Ryan, he’d always relapse. He didn’t want to, because it wasn’t anything close to love, it was just sexual. But he refused to accept that he was going to come back every time.

“That’s,” It was now when he had to decide to give in or go home, “I guess that’s true.” His answer was still vague, not hinting at anything in particular, but Ryan took it as something. What he took it as, Brendon was unsure of, but he knew that it was going to end in disaster, he was all in. 

“Do you miss it?” It’s a simple question, and if it were in any other context it wouldn’t make Brendon nervous to answer. If Ryan were talking about anything but his sexual history, he would of been fine. It’s Ryan though, he was never shy from talking about inappropriate subjects, especially for the time and place.

Brendon swallowed, “I, uh, I guess so. But it doesn’t affect my relationship with her.” Ryan was moving closer to him, just smalls shifts on the couch, innocent if it weren’t for the conversation.

“You could still try it again. You said yourself, she doesn’t know.” There was something in Ryan’s eye and in that moment Brendon knew he was making an extremely stupid decision, yet he didn’t mind, as he moved closer himself. They were flirting, if you could call it that, and it was strangely familiar and Brendon liked it.

“Maybe I could. Don’t know though, risky.” He bit his lip, cursing himself in this moment, because who really was he trying to kid? He was probably going to leave in a moment, or maybe just let Ryan get what he wants. Maybe Ryan would just fuck him on the couch and tell him to fuck off.

“You’ve never cared about risk before.” It was Brendon who snapped, leaning forward to press his lips against Ryan’s. He never truly did care about risk, especially here when he was now straddling Ryan, as he started to kiss back.

It wasn’t a romantic type of kiss, hardly. It was rough, with a little too much teeth, and Ryan’s hands digging into his waist in a way that could leave bruises. It wasn’t innocent at all. Even if it were violent, lips crashing against each other’s, there was something about it that screamed, ‘I fucking missed you.’ Brendon was happy to ignore that part though.

He was improvising his plan here. So far it was; Fuck Ryan and leave. Get it out of his fucking system, and never see him again, never fall into this sort of thing again. It felt good, but it was like a drug, there would always be side effects, there would always be the regret after the high.

But the high, oh god. Brendon remembered what it was like to kiss Ryan, it was close to impossible to forget. He tasted like no one else, and that means no one could ever replace him, or take him off Brendon’s mind fully. He was what Brendon compared people too, no one ever beat him.

That was possibly Ryan’s intention, maybe his intention now and he pushed Brendon back against the couch, lips moving frantically against Brendon’s, fingers staying dug into the skin on Brendon’s hip, his t-shirt having been pushed up by Ryan. Ryan was spoiling everyone else for Brendon, and that’s exactly what he wanted.

Ryan was selfish. Even if Brendon didn’t want to admit it to himself. Ryan wanted to try everything there was then cast it aside when he was bored. Even when Brendon saw him at his best, he was only going through some kind of phase. Only phases, never permanent. Brendon was no exception.

Ryan, though, wasn’t thinking too hard, or at least not to Brendon’s knowledge, as he moved his lips to Brendon’s neck, kissing down it, stopping to leave an angry bruise that Brendon doubted he would be able to explain. Ryan kept going, licking over the spot he’d just marked, and smirking, lips quirking against Brendon’s skin.

Brendon didn’t feel guilty as he shoved Ryan back to pull his shirt off, even watching the smirk stay, ever so evidently, on Ryan’s face. He looked Brendon up and down, and he’d learned to stop being self conscious. Even if it was Ryan, who was still so important to him, even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself.

Ryan started on his own shirt and he sat back to watch, leaning on his elbows, taking it all in because, yeah, it had been awhile since he’d been like this, somewhere in Ryan’s house, knowing that he was so completely and utterly fucked, in more ways than one. It was a stupid joke, but it eased him a little as Ryan threw his shirt to the side.

He convinced himself it was a hate fuck, as Ryan kept him down against the couch, hips rocking against Brendon’s. Like a drug, he’d always come back for more of this, it was just what Ryan did to him. He was a lovesick fool around him, and he would never be able to let go.

Ryan sat back though, pulling Brendon with him. He stood up, and started to lead Brendon through his house, to the bedroom. It wasn’t as if it was unfamiliar, it had just been a while. He wondered if it were still the same, same furniture, same familiar scent of just Ryan. He would never forget.

New York was a city of regret.

It wasn’t long before they were lying together, all remaining clothing having been shed as their hips moved against each other’s. Their lips were moving together, a starving kiss that would never truly be satisfied, always hungry for more but never able to really obtain that. Never able to let themselves have it.

Someday they’d let themselves move on, someday one of them would break, and move to a different continent. It was complicated with the both of them, but now they had nothing but bare skin between them, maybe things were a little less complicated. Maybe things were going to temporarily make sense.

But Ryan was just kissing him, before he wasn’t and he was reaching into a drawer, and it settled in Brendon that this was real, and they were doing this again. After way too long, here they were again, even if it weren’t anything like they were before. Even if it wasn’t RyanandBrendon, just Ryan and Brendon. They were separate things.

While Brendon was thinking, Ryan had lubed up a finger, circling Brendon's entrance and yeah, yeah, he could do this. He would do this. He was going to do this, with Ryan Ross, for the first time in years. He wasn't going to back out, he was going to do this.

He let out a small noise, similar to a gasp as Ryan pushed his finger in. He wasn't exactly used to the sensation now, he didn't often finger himself, but it was the same feeling that was always going to be familiar with how many times it had happened. It wasn't his fault if Ryan was a good fuck. 

Ryan was kissing his neck and he could practically feel the smirk against his skin, teasing him, so Brendon just told Ryan to add another finger, glaring at him slightly, changing his expression as he added the second digit. Then the third. Then, gradually, he started to fuck himself down against Ryan's hand. 

He was letting out short gasps and moans, nothing extreme though, nothing to indicate he was desperate. Ryan did make him desperate in so many ways, but he'd die before he let anyone know that. Things with Ryan were nothing, nothing at all. That's all they had ever been. 

It was just a quick fuck, nothing more and nothing less. He’d go home afterwards and it would be fine.

It wasn’t long before Ryan was actually fucking him, quick thrusts, Brendon’s legs spread wide as his head tipped back, he knew this was an excuse to forget. It was an excuse to pretend this was reality, and there would be no consequences for this. That there was only pleasure in the world and nothing after it.

Brendon was gripping onto Ryan’s arms, as the other let out a sigh, “Fuck, I almost forgot what this was like.” Even Ryan knew it had been a while, too long. Brendon just told him to shut up and fuck him harder, which Ryan did, accompanied with a quick, “Fuck you.” It was like it used to be.

When Brendon says used to be, though, he means right before it ended. It was different when Ryan and Brendon started their kind-of-relationship. It was sweet and careful and meant something. Then Ryan got a girlfriend because Brendon and him weren’t exclusive, and it just became fucking.

Really though, Brendon was willing to take what he could get with Ryan, even if it were never the same laughing afterwards, staying up all night talking and watching movies together until they got bored. Whenever they saw each other after everything went to shit, they fucked and said goodbye, and Brendon swore to himself it would be the last time.

It would never be the last time.

As Ryan fucked him into the sheets, he knew this wasn’t the last time, but he’d lie to himself and pretend he would never end up here again. That this was just going to be a final goodbye, saying goodbye to Ryan’s skin and scent. It was a harder to accept that he was going to end up here again than to pretend it was goodbye.

Brendon was making small noises, head tipped back as Ryan kissed along the side of his neck. Ryan had always been a good fuck, he’d always been like this, he’d always known what got Brendon going and what he really liked. Ryan called it a talent, Brendon called it being used to it.

It didn’t take Ryan long to hit the right spot to make Brendon whine, and writhe beneath him, Brendon never doubted it. All that was going through his mind right now was Ryan’s name, playing on repeat like a broken record. A twisted melody that Brendon was never looking for, yet it ended up being his favourite song. Repeat. Repeat.

It wasn’t him Ryan was fucking anymore, not really, Brendon had taken a seat behind his eyes, life playing out like a movie. He was staring at Ryan, who looked better than he’d ever remembered him to be, and letting Ryan fuck him hard, until it wasn’t behind the eyes, because Ryan let out a gasp like noise that brought Brendon back to reality.

Ryan was never one to make noises during sex, only when they had first started and it was all new and it actually meant something. Brendon found himself grabbing Ryan’s head and pulling him down so their lips were attached, it could have been perfect. Everything was as it should be, and everything was better and everything was just amazing.

Brendon was close, really close now, and Ryan knew, stroking him slowly, then quickening until Brendon was coming, seeing white as he let his head fall back, letting out a moan as Ryan kept fucking into him. His Ryan. Ryan was here, and it was okay, things were going to be okay.

Ryan came into the condom and Brendon sighed as he did so, letting Ryan kiss him as he pulled out. It was fine, as Brendon let his legs fall down, and roll over to give Ryan room to lie down next to him, breathing heavily. The regret hadn’t set in just yet, but Brendon knew it would soon.

He let Ryan lie next to him, and lean over to get a cigarette, lighting it and taking a drag, Brendon just kept breathing, staring at the ceiling to the point where it almost came alive to him, smelling the nicotine from Ryan’s side of the bed, letting his eyes close to take everything in.

“As good as you remembered, then?” Ryan asked, and Brendon looked over, expecting to see a smirk of sorts, a smug expression, expected to see cold eyes and everything he’d grown used to with Ryan. But he was wrong, being greeted with genuine eyes, and a small smile.

Brendon smiled back, “Yeah.” He shook his head on emphasis, “Fuck, maybe even better. You were always a great fuck.” He didn’t want to stroke Ryan’s ego, but it felt more normal around him now, as if some invisible barrier of tension had been broken, and they were simply two friends.

Ryan grinned a little, shifting closer to Brendon, “You still smoke?” He asked, casually, as if it hadn’t been years since they were last in this position. Pillowtalk. Meaningless to think about when the panic and the guilt would eventually set in. Which it would, but for now, Brendon just shook his head and leaning into Ryan.

“Nah, quit a while ago.” He shrugged a while ago, quit around about the same time he quit Ryan. Too many post sex smokes, and the taste of stolen kisses outside of bars. It wasn’t something he wanted to be reminded of at the time so he quit. He quit everything that reminded him of Ryan.

“Shame.” Ryan just said, taking another drag and exhaling, before turning his head to kiss Brendon. Nicotine kisses similar to this one played out in Brendon’s mind on repeat like a movie, whether it were the first or the last, they’d always been something. He’d always found them incredibly attractive with Ryan.

They kissed for a while, just lazy, post coital kisses that didn’t mean anything. 

At some point, a dog casually strolled into the room, and oh. Ryan had a dog now. Ryan just smiled, his arm draped over Brendon’s shoulder at this point, “Dottie.” He explained, looking over at the dog, “I got her with my girlfriend.” Oh. Girlfriend.

“Where is she, then?” Brendon asked, he hadn’t assumed that Ryan was dating anyone, which was stupid considering that Brendon was literally married. He just never saw Ryan as one for much commitment, especially not now.

Ryan shook his head in return, “We’re not together anymore. I got to keep Dottie, it worked out pretty well.” He shrugged, and Brendon leaned in a little more, easing slightly. “Besides, it would be harder to explain you if she still was here.”

“I’ll have to explain where I was when I get back.” Sarah might be in a different state, but she’ll have phoned home to check up or something.

“Just say you were out with friends. She hasn’t suspected anything before, has she?” Ryan asked, and Brendon shook his head. Sarah was so very trusting of Brendon and it made him feel bad. He loved Sarah, he really did, but he was going to end up hurting her if she ever found out the truth about him and Ryan.

“You gonna freak out on me again?” He asked, moving his hand up to brush a strand of hair off of Brendon’s face, and everything seemed so surreal as he lay there with Ryan, in his arms again. Brendon shook his head.

“Don’t think so.” He sighed a little, pressing a kiss to Ryan’s lips again, “I think my brain hasn’t accepted it all yet, so I’ll update you on that when it does.”

Ryan just laughed, “You'll go home soon and freak out. Blame me, again.” Brendon shrugged. 

“I honestly don't know if I will. I won't exactly be announcing it to the world, and I feel guilty sure, but I don't…” He paused to glance at Ryan's lips, “I don't feel wrong or anything. I'm not freaked out.”

“Who are you and where've you hidden Brendon Urie?” Ryan joked, as Dottie climbed onto the bed along with them. It seemed like home, and that wasn't allowed. He wasn't allowed to see things with Ryan as a home of sorts, it was something he'd always been against. 

Brendon shrugged, “He's in my basement,” Smiling when Ryan laughed. “But, seriously, I’m just a little less freaked out by the fact I've fucked up now. I mean, I'm married but I'm still here. It was my decision, I should live with the consequences.” He explained, and he saw something light up in Ryan’s eyes. 

“The consequences include the fact that I'm not gonna let you leave, now.” And Brendon felt his heart swell. He'd painted Ryan as a villain in his head, but now it was crumbling down as Ryan played with the ends of his hair, Ryan was beautiful. He'd let himself think it now, completely vulnerable as he did, because he was letting himself fall into Ryan’s arms again. 

Brendon hummed in reply, “I really will have to leave soon, though. It would be suspicious if I spent so much time here, everyone but Sarah knows you’re my kind-of-ex.” They never really did date properly, so Brendon was unsure of how to label their relationship.

“Will you miss me?” His tone was indifferent, but Brendon was still shocked by the intimacy of the question, matching Ryan’s tone and shrugging, “Have you ever missed me?”

Brendon still didn’t know how to reply, opening his mouth and letting the words flow out without thinking, “In a way, yeah. I’ve missed you, not everything, and not just what we did together. You’re a unique person, I guess I never knew I’d lose you.”

Ryan didn’t say anything, he just kissed Brendon again, and Brendon felt safe. For once he knew this wasn’t the last time, there was a promise in this kiss. ‘This isn’t over yet.’ It was clear, and as Brendon kissed back, he realised that maybe this was his way of saying he was perfectly okay with that, he was on board.

Words and moments played on repeat until now, he was at the gate of his future. Take it or leave it, he was going to be with Ryan in some way.

He left later that day, Ryan kissed him again with another promise. He knew he was going to be seeing Ryan soon. The last time he left Ryan’s house he had been in tears, he’d been pissed, he’d felt everything he shouldn’t of, because Ryan Ross didn’t deserve his fucking feelings. Ryan Ross with his indifferent tone and how he couldn’t care less about how Brendon was leaving.

Maybe that’s why he came back, to get a proper reaction out of Ryan, to try and get Ryan to notice him again, to notice how Brendon was actually good enough for Ryan to feel a little bit of disappointment when he was gone. Maybe he did, but he did a terrible job of showing it. Maybe it hurt Brendon, but he would never admit it.

“How’s your halo?” Ryan had asked Brendon before he left, before he left this time. Brendon knew Ryan for being cryptic, but this was simple. A simple question that Brendon understood, but how could he answer? Would he spit out the truth, or would he lie? Was there a truth he was aware of?

Ryan didn’t need an answer, and he let Brendon leave again.

Sarah was back the next day, of course she was, and Brendon found himself staring in the mirror, a bruise on his neck from Ryan. Sarah had saw it when she came back, and her face had fallen, it was time for Brendon to finally speak, to finally let her know everything that he’d done.

They sat on the couch, Brendon couldn’t look at her, “I’m sorry.” She had nodded in reply, waiting for some sort of excuse that Brendon could never give. “I saw someone yesterday. Just, an old flame.”

“Who?” She sounded heartbroken, she’d never dreamed of this. Brendon was the villain now, after all the time he’d painted Ryan as one, he found himself living in the role he despised. He’d hurt her. It was inexcusable.

“Ryan.” He let it slip out his mouth before thinking. She knew Ryan, they’d been friends when Brendon and Sarah got together. He saw her face fall again, biting her lip and looking down, like she had finally worked it all out. Everything made sense now.

“Did you love him? Do you love him?” She asked, and Brendon shook his head. No he didn’t love Ryan, he didn’t think he did. Maybe at some point in the past he did, but now? No, he couldn’t love Ryan. They hadn’t spoken in ages, and they’d had just a one time thing, well, not one time.

“Then why did you go back to him?” She asked, on the verge of tears, and Brendon had really fucked up. He loved Sarah, he really did. But it was Ryan, they’d always come back to each other in the end, no matter what. It always hurt, but they’d always find themselves on a doorstep, being welcomed in, and it would always feel like home.

“He’s Ryan.” Sarah nodded.

“Are you leaving me?” She sounded broken, and Brendon shook his head. It would probably be best if he left, he hurt her badly this time, but she wanted him to stay, to work things out. That was the worst part, she could still see past it and wanted Brendon to be the better man, the man that she married. “Then let’s just work this out. Don’t go back to him, please.”

Her eyes begged, and Brendon couldn’t help but agree. So it was the last time, maybe he’d tell Ryan, he deserved an explanation to why Brendon broke the silent promise it wouldn’t be the last time. Why he’d lied with his eyes, and Ryan wouldn’t care again. Maybe he wouldn’t.

How was Brendon’s halo?

Brendon and Sarah did work things out, staying together, surprisingly, and Ryan was left without a word for a while. Until he texted Brendon, just a hello and suddenly Brendon was spiraling, realising he’d fucked up as he texted back, replying and asking how Ryan was. He knew they could be friends, probably.

Friendship resulted in fucking again, and again. Then, Brendon knew things were going to hell as he wanted to stay when he left Ryan’s house. He wanted to stay and fall asleep next to Ryan. He wanted Ryan to hold him, and he wanted everything with Ryan, and that still wasn’t allowed. Wanting Ryan in any other situation but a sexual one.

Symphonies played in Brendon’s head, they all sounded like Ryan’s laugh, as some nights he curled up next to Ryan, tracing his features with a finger, looking starstruck. Maybe he was, Ryan was truly the most beautiful creature to him. He was fascinating in so many ways that Brendon didn’t want to think about.

Sarah didn’t know anymore, and neither did Brendon really. He had no clue why he was staying, and maybe he did love Ryan. Maybe he always had. He just put it to the back of his mind so he didn’t have to face the consequences that came with it. What would he even do now he’d realised it?

He just stayed at Ryan’s side, as Ryan smoked and Brendon kissed him. He was growing to love those nicotine kisses they shared again. And they’d fuck again, and Brendon would let it happen, because if this was affection then he would live with it. He could live with the fucking and the smaller kisses afterwards. They made him feel like it meant something.

Ryan made him feel more than human, and he was always going to be grateful for that. Ryan made him feel more than human, but Ryan himself would always be more, at least in Brendon’s eyes. Ryan was everything Brendon wanted, and everything he would never truly have. The bitter truth.

He had Ryan temporarily though, lying in his bed and tracing words on his chest. Tired, but not tired enough to sleep. It’s his own fault, he always wanted to stay, and he was getting used to it. What could he say? He’d never be able to resist Ryan, no matter how hard he tried.

“D’you ever think we could be anything?” Ryan had asked, and it was a question that had always remained unspoken between the two of them.

“In another world, maybe.” Alternate universes always seemed appealing, but maybe in one, his alternate self would be wishing to be in the situation he’s currently in. He was grateful for his life, even if it wasn’t everything he wanted it to be all the time. That was what life was, we never get what we truly want.

Ryan nodded in response, “Do you think we could pretend?” And Brendon nodded, yeah they could. If they tried their hardest and bolted up the doors, leaving themselves in there for as long as they could possibly go. They could. He really wished they could. “Then let’s pretend.”

And so they did, hiding from the world and themselves, hiding from the world outside that didn’t approve of them being together. They were terrible people, they truly were, but they brought out the good parts. Brendon was a cheat and a liar, yet he knew he would always remain beautiful in Ryan’s eyes.

Ryan was a liar all the same, and he was lazy with his hopes and ambitions, yet he’d always remain perfect in Brendon’s eyes. It was the sort of compromise they had came to. They would romanticise each other until it came crashing down, because they wouldn’t have anything else to cling to in hopes of the other being a better person.

Brendon always wanted to be a better person, maybe he was when he wasn’t with Ryan, all he knew was he was far from an angel, but Ryan always made him feel like he deserved to be one, instead of being deserving of nothing at all, like he truly was. He was despicable, but Ryan made him feel more as though he wanted.

The city sings songs whenever Brendon leaves Ryan’s home. A twisted melody of a girls crying, someone’s yelling and the cars rushing past. The song of New York. If you listened closely though, you’d hear words only meant for lovers to hear, small promises of the future that made Brendon’s heart swell, because he wanted that so badly.

The tune would continue the further you got into the city, the chatter and the music from stores as Brendon made his way to his own house. Not home, though. He considered Ryan’s place to be more of a home at this point, for home is not a place that you own by law, but a place that your heart wants to stay in for the rest of its time.

As Brendon grew more comfortable with the song, he went back and forth from Ryan’s place more often, more comfortable with Ryan in general. Dottie recognised him, and Ryan was everything he ever wanted, but was too stubborn to really admit that he did. Too stubborn to remember how it all felt.

The past remained to be the past, though, and Brendon knew even if things fucked themselves up now, he would always come back to Ryan, no matter the circumstances. Brendon truly was evil to do this, and he knew that one day Ryan, too, would settle down, but pretend he wouldn’t for a moment.

The city’s song is different now, though. The city sings the truth. New York knows the truth.   
And the truth? 

Brendon Urie fell in love with Ryan Ross.


End file.
